“I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.”

so in the end, i guess I always knew, and I feel like this creature, this fucked up thing that's only reason for living is to be contrary. I said I was sorry for falling in love with you, and he just looked at me with these sad eyes the color or early fall or dark honey and all I can do is want to forgive him, and I can't cause this is for the best.

I tell him, I don't want him,

and he wants to be friends, I am not really sure what is going on, but my heart is breaking, and I am not sure if it's because he still wants me in some way or because I want him just one way.
and I am losing it, all very fast,

and I begin to cry

and he holds me, for the love of god, he has the nerve to hold me, and he whispers in my ear,
"you're birth day is may 7th, I know, I have for some time."
"you like the sound of breathing...see I know you"

and it makes me cry harder, and all can ask if why did you have to go and ruin it, why did you have to go and mess this up?
he didn't mean to and all he can do is keep saying sorry, and all I can do is shake my head and remind him how he said it, and it's to late.

and I just cry, and I don't want him and I still want him, and all he can say is

"let me fix this, please"

and his eyes go red and he's crying
and I can see his tears falling,

"I want to still be friends"
and I want to destroy him, cause I'm hurt, and I want him to hurt, I want to cut his face out of all the pictures and paint him out of all the pictures and delete him from my life, so I can move on.
I can't be your lover or your best friend, I can't be anything to you.
and he's pleading now, and my heart breaks further

he's making this harder.
and we cry, and he wants to fix it, he wants to be friends.

but is it what I want.
I don't know what the fuck I want.
I really don't.



I'm so fucked up.

mike wessendorf

The moment we indulge our affections, the earth is metamorphosed, there is no winter and no night; all tragedies, all ennui s, vanish, all duties even.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I still have this...wow.
I have not written in a journal for so long.
If anyone still reads this.
This is an update on my life, as it is now, not what it will be or what it has been.

I ran away, I moved very far, and I came back.
I decided to try harder. no...
ok, start over.

I did run away, but not because things were super bad, but because things weren't going as planned, and I was scared, so I found the fist real excuse to leave home and did. I lived in a beautiful house with beautiful people for six months and was ungrateful.
I ran away some more, as far as my legs could carry me, cause facing up to the fact of that my life was not going to be worldly or exciting or charming was something I could not come to grips with, so running made perfect sense.
I dated boys, real boys..only to find out they weren't real, just playthings, just puppets, and I wasn't cruel, but I wasn't loving or kind..indifferent, which I guess is just as bad or is cruel. It says a lot when you feel nothing when your supposed to feel at least something.
I ended up where I started, at home.
But I wanted it to be different
and things got better, I ditched the plan and just decided to live
and I got classes
and friends, real friends
and a good job
and sleepless nights
and deans list
and good grades
and California
and someone I thought I loved. and it was nice, for a while, and when I let myself feel something for someone, it fell apart and it hurt and it fallowed me
and he fallowed me
and it was sad
and I was sad
and I'm in this state of confusion. And my walls have been up, and I'm scared cause I feel like I'm falling again, and it feels familiar and scary and I don't want it to be this way, but it is, cause I can feel my heart breaking even when its not whole, and it sucks and it burns and everything is pressure, like this tight lid on a jar of old air and all it wants is to get out and I can't.
I find myself wishing more then I have ever wished before cause I don't think I can pray
and I wish I wasn't in love, wish I wasn't waiting, wish I wasn't pushed, wish people knew they were not helping, wish people would just listen, wish he would just..listen, wish his parents didn't hate me, wish I wasn't here, or will be there or anywhere.
wish my guts didn't feel that they got torn out and tied into pretty bows
and placed back in all tired up, all pretty like
all pulsing and glistening and exposed.
wish I wasn't so exposed.
And I feel this feeling inside gnawing, just gnawing at my bones, at my marrow, and I find myself wanting to cry all the time, but it's if I cry i'd cry all my bones all my marrow out, and I'll be sitting there sobbing my skeleton out. And I'll just be a body of jelly, just a wobbly, sobbing jelly body, cause I have cried out all my pillars and beams out of me and I'm just a wobbly sobbing jelly mess cause I don't have any supports left in me, in my life. and It's terrifying and I don't want this feeling...not now, not ever.
And someone told me not to trade the heart ache and the challenges and the roads less traveled by, but in reality if I could, I would trade them in for something concrete, something real, something less artistic and something more sold.
I'm not in a bad place, just a weird place with bad feelings, and I will be fine and ok someday, but someday seems long off and winter is just setting in for the long haul.
I don't know if I will update again soon, or ever, but my fingers were hungry and my head and heart were full, so this is just my life right now, for good or bad or anything, and I am ok with it, I am still going to wish and hate it, but I am ok with it, cause it's life and we can make it through, we'll be fine he said, and I want to believe him.